Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Pretzels

She said, "The girl I was with the business degree
Probally wouldn't recognize me
I was gonna run the bank, I was gonna run them out
Now all I wanna run is a bubble bath
Back then you know I had this plan
Before all of this reality set in
Here comes life boy ready or not
Hey I wanted it all and thats what I got"

"B'cause I'm gopherin', chaufferin' company chairman
Coffee maker, copy repairman
Anymore there ain't nothin I swear man that I don't do
Been jugglin', strugglin', closing big deals
Dancing backwards in high heels
Just when it feels like I can't make it through"
She said,"It sure is nice to just be the woman with you"

Kenny Chesney - The Woman With You

I want to talk to women. And moms. About moms. And women. And daughters. And gypsies (bleh. eck. phooey). Firstly, I'm wary of you. I really am. You and I, we've become downright partial to each other. I like you and you like me. That could all change in about 3 minutes (1 1/2 minutes if you're a speed reader). What I'm trying to say is that I'm bout to get all controversial on you. Maybe. But, that all comes later. For now, let's talk about another thing ruined by Pinterest.....

I'm going to curse. DAMN you, Pinterest! I love you! Why, I pulled you up three times today at Kroger because I needed the ingredients list to the Honey Bun Coffee Cake. I pulled you up at the gym today for that awesome leg workout that I'm going to regret tomorrow. I pulled you up this morning for some 21 Day Fix recipe ideas. But, you're the bane of my existence! You're evil incarnate! You ruin everything, Pinterest. You ruined the word gypsy. It used to be my favorite word. Other words you've ruined for me: junk, shabby, chippy, glitter, rustic, and the ever so popular cottage. All useless now because you allow people to do dumb things like spell them wrong (junque, kottage, GliTteR). Nothing, however, is worse than what you did to use of the irreverent word gyspy. Flagrant gypsy users, have you been to Bulgaria? Romania? Hungary? Have you had a baby thrown at you in Rome? Do you have dark skin and emerald green eyes? Do you routinely hang out with tramps and thieves (ok, if you got that one, you're really old like me)? It's not your fault. It's just Pinterest. Why the gypsy rant? Because the gypsies had it going on. Sure, they can put hexes on folks, like in Stephen King's "Thinner" or "Drag Me To Hell". Ok, maybe they do make a fortune from snake oil. But those gypsy women were the stuff of dreams. They kept it simple. No housekeeping. Just pack it up and go.

Me for most of my life: get up at 4 am. Take dogs out to pee. Feed dogs. Take dogs back out to poop. Put dogs back in kennels. Unload dishwasher, Reload dishwasher. Make kid's lunches, Put on my suit. Leave by exactly 6 am. Drive 2 hours to work (maybe 1.5 hours). Constantly call kids to make sure everyone leaves home in time to get to school. Work like a banshee. Leave at 5 pm. Drive 2 hours home. Wrangle kids. Go home. Let dogs out. Make dinner. Supervise homework. Make a Walmart run for a random school project I wasn't aware existed. Clean kitchen. Vacuum living room. Mop kitchen floor. Do laundry. Iron. Realize I'm still in my suit & heels. Go to bed by midnight. Rinse, lather, repeat. I was a pretzel. Are you? It's ok. We have to be sometimes. It's not our fault. We are really good at doing a metric ton of things all at once. Once the world found out that we COULD do that, it decided we SHOULD do that. No fair. Why?

I HATED myself for a long time. I HATED that I was always tired. I HATED that I only got 4 hours of sleep every night. I HATED that I was always running late to some kid event. I  I HATED that my house was never clean despite my Herculean efforts. I HATED just about everything. I bent, twisted, contorted, stretched, pretzeled.....all in the name of perfection. And, for what purpose? Hint....there is no such thing as perfection. I didn't understand how to separate my heart from my head. I don't have a daughter anymore. That's a side story. Let's pretend I do. I need to tell her something. Baby girl, don't let them do it to you. Don't let them ruin you. Your house doesn't need to be clean 24/7. Who the expletive cares? You didn't get your make-up on perfectly today? It's ok. You look better without it. Why are you working somewhere that's so far away you're only getting 4 hours of sleep? For the money? Guess what...it's not worth it.Consider downsizing and saving for college instead. What life is: an amazing journey. What it's not: a competition. There are no awards for the best pretzel. See, the gypsies had it right. They never cleaned their houses. They just got up, put on their jingly ankle bracelets, hoop earrings, an awesome shawl, and got that caravan on the road. Gypsies rock. Damn you, Pinterest. Baby girl, be a gypsy.