Pillars

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Calvary choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword & shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you're gone there was never
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

"Viva la Vida" by Coldplay

I was almost sort of running at the gym today when this song played in my headphones.
I literally cried and pretended I was just really sweaty. No truer words exist for how I feel tonight. It's April 12th Eve. That means nothing to most people. To a select few of us, however, it means everything. It means that Easter is upon us. It means that Lent is almost over! Prep those vices. It means that in six scant weeks we'll be celebrating the cancer diagnosis that I survived. It means that tomorrow is the day that my daughter, Chynna, died. And. yes, every single stinking year I blog about this. It is inescapable. It is exhausting. It is absolutely necessary.  It is what it is. You are not obligated to read this. I get it. Another blog entry about her daughter. But, I can't not. So humor me.

Nine years. Now, I'm a happy person. I challenge you find anyone who thinks otherwise. I'm like the Vitameatavegamin girl. I'm a happy peppy person who DOES pop out at parties and is NOT unpoopular. So, with that in mind, maybe we can skate over the obvious. It's SHOCKING to me that it's been nine years. That means next year marks a decade and then we'll blink twice and it'll be 30 years and I just don't know if I can take that. I've managed to attract many new followers who will be scratching heads and making faces....WTH is she talking about? Just dig back in the blog entries (see "Pinkish" or "Eight Christmases" or "Unbreak My Heart"). We don't need to revisit that info here. If you've ever lost a child, whether that child was in utero or 50.....I hope you can agree that, at some point, even though it never gets easier - never fades, that there are silver linings should you choose to look. I would like to share a few of those with you tonight. Placating a fellow nice person pretty much assures you sainthood, so read on, St Soandso.

Death hurts. All death. My son and his fiance have a 17 year old Blue Heeler. I dread the day. My own father, who is probably healthier than most everyone I know, is 90. It's the circle of life, as much as we hate it. When a child dies, though, I'm sorry but that upsets the order of the universe! A child just should not die before a parent. I've been through some stuff in my life. We all have, But I pray I will never have to endure a sucker punch to the gut the likes of which I experienced 9 years ago. And yet, it shaped me in a good way. It hardened some of my too soft edges and softened some of my staccato. I wake up every day thinking of some form of Chynna; baby Chynna with a shocking head of black hair, the "Miss Otis Regrets"4 year old tap dance recital Chynna who gave THE BEST dance facials in the history of ever, and even the "Momma I made it" 16 year old Chynna who couldn't tumble but dared to try out for varsity mascot. Every. Single. Day. I'm here to tell you that I am a better person to have survived this. I'm here to tell you that I am PROUD to have survived this, maybe more proud of this than of anything else I've ever accomplished. Let's end on a high note tonight. Here's what I've learned. I hope there's someone out there - just one person - struggling with the loss of a child who reads this and thinks - "OK, I can hold on for one more day (Wilson Phillips reference) because I'm not so sure that things won't get better." To you, dear person, I take my hat off. We can do this! Now....what I've learned, in no particular order:

• This is a service oriented world we live in, here in Forney, TX. Do not doubt me when I tell you that THIS TOWN saved me nine years ago. Living here and losing a child was like getting a nonstop virtual hug. To this day, I feel the love. Thank you. Forney. Thank you so much. How do you repay that sort of kindness? You give back. You volunteer, You reach out. You love your neighbor. No, really. I'm serious. It feels SO GOOD. I will do better, I will do more.
• FOR ME (and only for me do I mean this)...stuff means nothing. I don't want a big house. I don't want a brand new car. I don't crave success or riches. I just want to walk outside and feel my feet on this Texas soil. I want to grow roses. I want to rescue animals. I want a claw foot bathtub & an occasional glass of red wine. I want to hug all my boys and all their girls. I want sweet granddaughter kisses. I want my husband to love me. That is all that is important to me.
• I have always believed in a higher power but now I CRAVE spirituality. I love my religion and I love reading about all religions. Furthermore, I cannot rest each night unless I feel I have given all, done all that I could, and surpassed whatever ridiculous goal that's running around in my head, however crazy it seems. Veganism - check! Paperless kitchen - soon, grasshopper! Who knows what's next.
• I have to stick around because there is something I am supposed to do that I haven't done yet. I have no idea what that is yet, but, IT IS EPIC. That much I know.

As you rest your head on your pillow tonight, say a prayer. Pray for me, my family, all the grandparents and all the cousins (you'll be praying a while), and all of the friends, and this sweet little town that dared to shut down school for a lovely 16 year old's funeral in 2008. I can't help but wonder what I could've accomplished if I understood then what I know to be true now. Because it's a fact. Our castles are all built upon pillars of salt....and pillars of sand. <3