Come on in. Grab some hot tea. Let's tell stories, bake something, and rearrange all the furniture.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Banana Snipers & Tiny Raves

The mouse takes the cheese
The mouse takes the cheese
Heigh ho the derry-o
The mouse takes the cheese

The cheese stands alone
The cheese stands alone
Heigh ho the derry-o
The cheese stands alone

"Farmer in the Dell" - Author assumed to be a German individual in the early 1820's

So, here we are. It's just me, a girl from the country. Raised among feral cats, ride-able donkeys, and the occasional cur dog. I'm not above mucking around in the what-have-you. I've shot a gun a few times. I can drive a standard if need be. I've pulled a trailer a time or two. I've backed a boat down a ramp on more than a few occasions. I killed a snake with a garden hoe once. I murdered a hawk-attacked chicken where the ants had already taken over, just out of humanity's sake, in front of my 5 year old daughter...WITH A SHOVEL. I birthed babies at home. I survived breast cancer! My point in telling you this? You'll surely see that I am a tough girl. I don't succumb to silliness and I don't go down easily. If I'm ever found unconscious or worse, check under my nails. I guarantee you there will be forensic evidence. It's just that I'm in a dilemma that I've only been in a time or two. Lawd have mercy, there's a mouse in this house.

Book One - What in Heaven's Name is Going On?

I'm an early riser, Mostly, that's due to the fact that I'm a crappy sleeper. My Mom is also a crappy sleeper. She used to get up at 6 am. Now she's up at 3:30 am. I'm deep breathing just thinking about what the future holds for me. But anywho, bout that mouse? I stumble into the kitchen around 6:15 with no alarm. Now, there's a ritual to be observed and I am all about the rituals in life. I get up, The poodle gets up. I put my jammie pants on. The poodle stretches. I place the poodle on the floor. We walk together to the bathroom. We then walk together to the kitchen. We let the other, less fortunate dogs out of their super comfy kennel with the uber soft comforter. They go outside, I gather their food bowls. I mix extraordinarily expensive hard dog food with extraordinarily expensive soft dog food and I basically spoon feed them all. The poodle and I return inside. I grab creamer. I grab coffee. I blindly punch buttons on the Keurig. Then, I see it.

For about 30 seconds I chant "it's just spices" about 100 times out loud. I rationalize that pepper grounds roughly the equivalent to half of a chocolate chip were magically left for me by the previously unknown "pepper elves." What else could it be? A comma that literally dropped off of a page? Barbie's bobby pin? As my almost 50 year old eyes begin to adjust, I see other things that are wrong. So very, very wrong. Why do all the bananas have quarter sized holes in them? Banana sniper? Seriously, is there a tiny white sniper van driving down my kitchen island aiming at the fruit bowl? Then I see the hellacious mess in the pantry. There's a hole in the flour bag. On the second shelf. There's flour EVERYWHERE, Suddenly, I realize what I'm dealing with. There's a mouse. A rogue mouse. He got high on bananas and obviously threw a rave in my pantry! What are those microscopic orange things on top of my washing machine? They could be pieces of the flour bag. They could also easily be tiny mouse-rave wristbands. Or glowsticks. I'm assuming my mouse was the DJ - Spinderella cut it up one time.

The rave wristbands and the holy bananas (punny as all get out) and the wayward commas all get swept away with a liberal dosing of peroxide. My hands get a liberal dosing in a hot shower. I get myself together and I get to Walmart. I'm on the mousetrap aisle. This is also the ziploc bag aisle, the air freshener aisle, AND the paper towel aisle. There are options. So, so many options. Then, wouldn't you know it, I GET EMOTIONAL! My mouse is adorable, suddenly. My mouse is ticklish. My mouse has a lisp! My mouse is Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol complete with the British accent! "God bless us, everyone!" I call my husband. In my ear he sounded like the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon (Waa waa waa waa wa waa waa wa WAAAAA). Subconciously I am aware that he is saying things like "kill" and "disease" and "mites"and "no, you cannot buy a live animal trap."


Book Two - Mouseaggedon

Fast forward: I have since been back to Walmart TWICE. We now own 2 different sizes of hard kill traps and two different sizes of glue traps. This is NOT a nice mouse, folks. He's MANIACAL! I have used my amazing profiling skills to create my own Criminal Minds, Mouse Edition. We all have to band together on this one. Pay close attention to this description!

Unsubs name: Ren, as in Ren McCormack from Footloose
Description: severe undercut with the side part "line," known to sport vanity glasses, hasn't worn socks in 5 years. Has been seen with a beard but also known to wear a handlebar mustache. Currently learning to play the guitar - look for him at coffee shops. Likes cardigans and bow ties.
Other useful info: Has been known to speak of his desire to develop his own IPA or manage an Indie band. Has attempted to start his own mouse music festival - Rodentpalooza. Eschews the West Coast at all costs. Dreams of a hipster life in Manitou Springs.

If you see Ren, DO NOT CALL 911. You're on your own, Peace be with you.




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